泣きながら考えること
『メイク・ ア・ウィッシュの大野さん』という本を図書館で読み、泣きそうになった。いや、ほとんど泣いていた。
難病の子どもたちの夢をかなえる、メイク・ ア・ウィッシュというボランティア団体と、子どもたち。そして、夢をかなえるための協力する人。
幼くしてこの世を去る子どもたちもいて、そのことと自分を比べてしまう。いや、比べてしまうというのではない。ただ、かわいそうと思うのはよくない気がするし、頭が混乱する。泣きそうになりながら、人は何のために生きるのか、長生きすることとはど何なのかなど頭をグルグル回る。
元気で長く生きていたいと思うと同時に、死ぬのが恐くないと感じられるといいな、とも思う。極楽浄土というか、天国というか、死んだあともいいことがある、と思えれば、死は恐くなるのだろうか。
こういう話を普段することはないけれど、これはこれで大切なことのような気がする。みんな忙しくて、そんなことを考えている暇がないのかもしれないけど、考えないようにしているのかもしれない。人間とは何か、死とは何かなど、哲学的なというののかな、なかなか答えの出ないことはみんな考えないようにしているのかもしれない。
『メイク・ア・ウィッシュの大野さん』のページをめくりながら、そんなことを考えた。泣いてしまったあと、先日読んだ、重松清さんと茂木健一郎さんの対談本『涙の理由』を思い出した。
ノンフィクションで、人の死に出会い、涙を流すとき、この涙は何なのか、失礼な涙ではななければいいのだけど、とふと考えてしまうことがある。この人はかわいそうだな、自分がそうでなくてよかった、と自分はそう思って泣いているのではないか、などと考えてしまう。
と同時に、自分の中のいやな部分を、涙が洗い流してくれているのではないか、と都合のいいことも考えてしまう。
追伸というのは変かもしれないけど、少し追加。メイク・ア・ウィッシュ オブ ジャパン、事務局長の大野さんには2度お目にかかったことがある。背筋がピンと伸び、芯が強そうで、どこからこのパワーが出てきているのだろうと思ってしまうくらい、イキイキした表情の女性である。
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